With This Ring, I Forgive

Apologies to my readers for being away for so long.  Things have been beyond hectic.  My grandfather has been in the hospital for the past 2 weeks, with double pneumonia and congestive heart failure.  I never got a warning from my guardian angel (she usually warns me when something will happen).  So as he lay in in an induced coma, weak and vulnerable, I prayed to God. 

"Why God do you keep him alive through everything after the abuse he put me through?"

I felt a warm presence and knew what God wanted me to do.

"God, please show me a sign I can forgive this man.  If Saint Maria Goretti could forgive her attacker, then I can forgive my grandfather.  Show me a sign that I can forgive him."

All of a sudden, my grandfather squeezed my hand.  It truly was a sign from God.

"I forgive you." I prayed as I held his hand.  I felt my guardian angel's hand on my shoulder.  I felt at peace.

I went down to the gift shop, to buy something to remind me of my forgiveness.  I found the perfect thing, something I could wear on a daily basis.  It was a vibrant ring, and as soon as I put it on I said to myself, "With this ring, I forgive."  I haven't taken it off since.

My 2 aunts, uncle and cousin came down and they all refused to get along.  Everyone wouldn't put things behind them and act civil.  It made me sick that they didn't have the respect for my grandparents.  I, for once, was acting the most mature out of everyone. 

On a more positive note, I'm going to my very first PFLAG meeting with a good friend of mine and her son tomorrow night.  I wanted to look nice so I got my hair cut.  It was past my shoulders.  I got it all cut off and it's sleek and pixie-like.  I LOVE it.  My dad is pissed off at me because of it.  He's not being supportive with me coming out.  I came out to the rest of my family while they were here, and no one over-reacted.  I guess he can't handle it cause I'm his only child, and he won't ever see me marry off to some man.  I tried to talk to him about it.  I finally flatout said "I don't enjoy sex with men!" and he shut up. I just can't keep pretending to be straight when I'm not.  Sorry, but sometimes life just sucks.

Tomorrow I will try to update about the meeting.  Fingers crossed I meet some cute lezzies. 

Almost Famous and Running with It

If some of you don't know already, I am in the process of writing and illustrating a children's book.  I'm currently about 10 pages away from finishing all of my illustrations.  This is getting more exciting for me because the next step is painting all 30 pictures.  So I'm still in the early stages.  I can't wait to see the pictures all pretty and colorful.  The backgrounds will be done in watercolors and the characters in markers (to give them a bold cartoony look).  I'm already brainstorming other book ideas.  But I need to work on one book at a time.  I don't want to stop midway through one book and have it never get finished.  I'm hoping that throughout time, after publishing a few books to have extra money coming in.  Not sure how much will come in, but it's a job.  I was going to RSAD studying Illustration, but now I'm realizing, I don't need to spend thousands and thousands of dollars to write and illustrate a book.  All you really need is an imagination, drawing and writing skills.  Oh, and an interesting storyline, of course! ;)  I'm hoping to have my book finished and ready to publish in January time.  Haven't set an exact date, but there's no rush. 

I still want to study to become a vet assistant, but my family is growing against it.  They say I should stick to what I do best and write books.  I'll probably make more a year than a vet assistant does anyway in the long run.  Plus my books contain animals, so there is a spark of my passion and love for animals right there.  And I won't have to suffer the work grind every day.  I've never had a real job in my entire life.  When I was a teenager, my jobs were performing and teaching guitar and in my senior year I was my art teacher's assistant during my classtime.  I would really like to know what a real job feels like.  If I were a vet assistant, I'd have to wake up early and work all day and come home late.  And that goes for any job, of course.  I just want to feel "normal".  My damn schizophrenia gets in the way.  I would love to have a job like everybody else.  I guess I shouldn't complain.  So I'm gonna take what I've got and run with it.

Rant time is over.  Time for bed.

Ziggy, Piggy and Gah! No More Extra Ativan!

I was so worried last night.  I told my Grandmother that Ziggy is still biting me and she suggested giving him back to the breeder who I bought him from.  Ziggy is usually really sweet in his little hedgehog ways, but can be vicious to the point of attacking me and not letting go when he bites.  I told myself I would give him until December time before making a decision.  Here it is, December, and no change.  I was on the verge of tears.  I love my Ziggy.  I'd be so worried about him if I sold him to someone else.  I'd be worried they're not giving him the proper care that I give him.  So I talked to my vet about it this afternoon.  He suggested associating me with a mealworm when handling Ziggy.  I've been doing that for over a month.  I think my vet said he was going to talk to an animal specialist in the area, but stupid me, I can't remember his exact words.  I told my vet I was worried I'd have to part with Ziggy, and he was like "Nooooo, not yet you don't."  That felt reassuring.  I'm all Ziggy's known since he was 7 weeks old.  I don't want to give up on him.  I love my little quill baby.  And we've bonded a lot since I've had him.  I think it would be traumatic to suddenly have a new owner.  Plus I have a soft spot for hedgies.  As if you couldn't tell...

I slept most of the day today.  I feel exhausted.  Last night I took an extra Ativan to calm down.  But I felt like the room was spinning and parasites were killing me afterwards.  Gah.  I wish I didn't get so worked up over things.

Pig still isn't eating his pellets.  He'll eat some hay then go back to bed.  And he's been giving me the "I'm hungry!" look.  I feel so bad for him.  My vet thought the force feedings were stressful to Pig so he said to discontinue it.  Poor Pig looked so sad that night.  So we've been feeding him cucumber peels.  He's still having tremors, so I need to give him a special bath every week.  My vet and I have decided Pig is probably more itchy from something than stressed.  But I've been trying to keep my Pigger stress free and continue the baths.  Poor Pig doesn't understand all of these changes. 

Well time to take my pills for the night and head off to bed.  Hope all is well with everyone...

Coming Out is Scary

I don't think I'll ever go back to men again.  It scares me to think that because it's all I've been used to.  The more I think about it, the more "okay" I am with the whole idea, though.  Men just...are a big turn off to me.  The sex is exciting the first few moments but very quickly gets terribly boring and unarousing to me.  I've been told I need to find a REAL man.  But I think that is just complete utter bullshit.  When I'm with a woman I feel extremely different.  I can't get enough of her.  (No one in particular, just generalizing).  I get butterflies simply holding hands.  I smile.  Really truly smile.  I feel complete.  I feel right.  I feel me.

As my friend says, "Marlene, you are gay."

I tried to prove everyone wrong and played the straight game to make my family happy.  But I can't play this game anymore.  To think, I wanted to be a man just so I could call myself straight.  I felt desperate to feel "normal".  Now I feel desperate for the real truth the real me to be heard.  To finally be myself. 

I am scared.  Terrified.

I've already had a taste of discrimination.  When my hair was cut short and I looked butch, no one would smile at me.  Some avoided me like the plague.  Now that my hair is down to my shoulders, I'm treated much different.  I feel undercover.  Like I'm living a lie.  Once again, I grew my hair out for others to make them happy--not myself. 

All I want for Christmas is a girlfriend.

I am officially a lesbian.  I am me.

Unfinished Writing, Stay Tuned

I've been working on my book illustrations every night before bed.  I get tired, put it away and look at them in the morning.  Then, throughout the day I self-critique the illustrations from page 1.  Then at night I make changes and add more pictures. I'm currently on page 10 out of 30, and it feels like this is going to take forever.  But damn, it will be worth it.  Or so I hope.  Yes, it will be worth it. 

Pig has taken a liking to the medicated force feedings.  He gets excited when I ask him if he's hungry and practically latches onto the bottle.  However, there has been incidences where he spits up afterwards.  And I discovered he has discharge coming out of his eyes again.  So I think it's time to update my vet tomorrow morning.  My poor Piggy.  Every day I tell Pig that I love him, he's my best friend and that I promise he will feel better.  I just hope I don't let him down. :(

I had a great counseling appointment this afternoon.  We talked about me going back to college and she liked the idea, and said I'm at a really good place in my life right now to do it.  It made me feel really good since my family hasn't been so receptive to the idea.  I'd love to go to this one collge that specializes in Vet Assistance.  There's a local number on the page, but says the college is in Winter Park, FL.  And there's no online courses available. I can't afford to live on campus.  I know for a fact I wouldn't go out partying like I did at RSAD.  And I'm certain I wouldn't allow myself to relapse and have a mental breakdown.  My family worries sick about me relapsing.  But the thing is, I'm so passionate and dedicated to succeeding in this field.  I can't take it lightly.  I don't want to fail anymore at life.  My Grandmothersays she's sure I'd make an excellent writer and will become successful that way.  We'll see.

I'm starting to feel sleepy.  My meds are kicking in.  I'll finish this tomorrow, so stay tuned. 

Anyone need a guitar?  I'm selling one of mine...need the cash and don't play anymore.

Colicky Piggy and Hope. High Hopes.

I took Pig to the vet today.  He's been in a lot of pain and my vet took another x-ray of Pig's stomach and discovered he has colic.  Basically, bad bacteria has formed in his stomach and he's having more trouble passing stool.  This creates a lot of pain.  In one short word: bellyache.  My vet gave me a bunch of medicine and I have to force feed Pig 3 times a day. My poor Piggy.  I just hope with enough medicine, love and care, he will become better.  I'm so very worried about him.  I pray this will pass.  I can't bear to lose him. 

I talked to my vet about going into the veterinary field.  He seemed really delighted.  He discussed the differences between a vet assistant and vet tech, and I'm certain I want to become an assistant.  So I've been doing research online.  Schools, grants for the disabled, salary etc.  I can't afford to go on-campus or move away, so I'm looking into online courses.  Found that there are grants available.  The only thing that disappointed me was the salary.  Vet assistants only get $24.5K a year.  The real big bucks go to the vet.  I'm wondering if I worked Part Time, if I could still get my Disability.  I need to do more research.  I just want to make a difference.

I got a letter from the collection agency today.  Gotta fill out paperwork and send it back, but I read the fine print and got so excited.  After 6 monthly payments I can apply for Financial Aid again.  Hence why I'm looking into going back to school.  I really hope I can fullfill my dream.  And write books on the side, of course :). 

I started illustrating my book last night.  I guess you could call them rough sketches.  I was happy with them until my Grandmother critiqued them.  Now I want to make changes.  This means more drawings.  Looking to get it finished in 3-6 months.  It's all going to fly by fast, I know it.

My Dream

My depression is getting worse by the day, as I said in my last post.  I'm not going to complain in this entry as it's pointless.  It doesn't change anything.  But I do have a legitament reason this time.  I've decided I want to become a veterinary assistant.  My vet has inspired me, and continues to do so with each visit and phone conversation.  I will never be able to afford to become an actual vet, so I'm opting to become an assistant.  I've wanted to become a skunk vet at a very young age.  May sound silly, but I've always had a deep love for animals.  I want to help bring ill animals back to health.  And console a client when the only option is euthinasia.  I feel this way every day, and the more inspired I feel, the more it aches that I can't fullfill my dream.  It mainly has to do with my loan going to the collections agency.  I doubt I'll ever get another loan.  At least not until it is paid off.  But if I ever get my book published, hopefully I can put the profits towards my bill and get it paid off sooner.  $30K is a lot to pay off, so even a couple thousands of dollars (I'm hoping to get that much if I'm lucky) will definately help.  In the meantime, I am brainstorming other children's book ideas.  If I publish more than one, I should be able to pay off my bill sooner.  Then maybe in a few years time, it will be paid off, and I'll be more mentally sound enough to register for classes.  I'm wondering if it's possible to get a scholarship, or if that's only for high schoolers.  I'm not sure.  I need to look into things, when everything is done and ready.  All I want for Christmas is watercolor paper so I can start illustrating.  Plus these books sure will be theraputic.  I need all the help I can get.