I don't think I'll ever go back to men again. It scares me to think that because it's all I've been used to. The more I think about it, the more "okay" I am with the whole idea, though. Men just...are a big turn off to me. The sex is exciting the first few moments but very quickly gets terribly boring and unarousing to me. I've been told I need to find a REAL man. But I think that is just complete utter bullshit. When I'm with a woman I feel extremely different. I can't get enough of her. (No one in particular, just generalizing). I get butterflies simply holding hands. I smile. Really truly smile. I feel complete. I feel right. I feel me.
As my friend says, "Marlene, you are gay."
I tried to prove everyone wrong and played the straight game to make my family happy. But I can't play this game anymore. To think, I wanted to be a man just so I could call myself straight. I felt desperate to feel "normal". Now I feel desperate for the real truth the real me to be heard. To finally be myself.
I am scared. Terrified.
I've already had a taste of discrimination. When my hair was cut short and I looked butch, no one would smile at me. Some avoided me like the plague. Now that my hair is down to my shoulders, I'm treated much different. I feel undercover. Like I'm living a lie. Once again, I grew my hair out for others to make them happy--not myself.
All I want for Christmas is a girlfriend.
I am officially a lesbian. I am me.
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