Downhill

I think I'm going downhill again.  I fear going back into the psych ward.    The last thing I want is to be stuck in there on Christmas.  I can't be away from my pets either.  They need me. 

I've been feeling severely depressed.  All I do is smoke because of it.  I smoke to cope with the depression.  And in turn, the smoking makes me feel depressed.  It's just one crippling cycle I can't seem to shake.  I've also been hallucinating despite the 2 Haldol injections I get each month.  And I can't forget the pharmacy-like amount of pills I have to take each morning and night.  Sometimes it feels like too much for me to handle--all of these symptoms.  They are devouring my soul day by day.  I seem in good spirits at my counseling sessions, but not recently.  The score of my "well-being chart" is skyrocketing into a dangerous level.  Just 3 weeks ago, my chart showed I was doing better than ever.  And then BAM! It soared.  To be honest, I'm TERRIFIED.  I put on a smile and try not to become distracted by hearing the ticking of the clock for an hour.  I'm really scared that if my counselor ever saw this I would be put away for a long time, in the state hospital of all places.  The ward I've always been admitted into threatened to send me there if I came back again.  It's not right to threaten.  So I haven't been in there for a good 3-4 years.  I can't remember.  My memory has gone to hell in a handbasket. 

Today my fibromyalgia has been acting up.  Probably because of the smoking.  And lack of exercise.  Plus there's been a change in temperature.  My body and joints ache so bad, I could hardly walk earlier today.  I'm riddled with illnesses,  yet people say I'm fortunate.  I just want to go to bed and never wake up because of it.  Maybe I'm being overdramatic....maybe so, but you have to walk in my shoes to fully understand what I'm suffering.  So please don't judge me. 

I seriously need some sleep so that's where I'm going now.  I'm completely exhausted.  That's probably why I'm so complain-y.  I'm sorry.